Steel Cut Oats: The Short Version

I like oatmeal. So does Rob. I know how to cook it. So does Rob. I always make steel cut oatmeal. Rob pulls a Houdini and I end up busting my ass over a hot stove for 45 minutes while those little oaty bastards make up there mind about how quick they're gonna finish cooking.

Now that I have picked a fight with oatmeal and checked off my list another inanimate object with which to yell at, I'll show you a short cut.

Quesadillas and Guacamole: without that stupid machine

I know some of you have seen those quesadilla makers. I know you felt compelled to buy one. I also know that this would be a stupid waste of money. Seriously guys, if you want to throw your money away, you might as well make the check out to me right now. Thanks to my new phone I also take all major credit cards, except Discover. Listen people, you DON'T need to get every gadget on "Buy Me Now" TV ok. I can show you how to do this quick and easy and without the extra crap.

Egg Preparation Series: Poached Eggs

I know, "long time comin'." Yeah shut up.

For all you 'peeps' (teehee) who can't poach an egg, here you go! Video proof that it can be done without a million bits of equipment or a piece of plastic you have to nuke.

Soup's On: Minestrone – How ya doin'?

Note: This is a long and semi-advanced recipe.  I plan on making this into a video blog entry in the near future.

Roasted Herb Potatoes: It's a secret to everybody.

Restaurants make this look hard. It's not. In fact it's pretty easy once you know how to do it. The hardest thing I've ever had to deal with is mom coming by, snagging pieces before I set them on the tables and then yelping "Ow it's hot!" Really genius? Just out of a 400 degree oven and this is a surprise? I know they're good but wait a few minutes!

Egg Preparation Series: Scrambled Eggs

When I first started cooking, scrambled eggs was my most used recipe. It didn't become edible until after a few tries. Hey I was 12 years old, give me a break. Scrambled eggs might be easy to make, but they are just a easy to mess up. Most common fails are too runny, too dry or flavorless. Below I'll give you the written recipe and method. I'll also link to the video so that you can see how they're made.

Risotto: Step Aside Rice-A-Roni

For some reason Risotto is thought of as this Italian delicacy served in fancy restaurants. I blame Seinfeld. Risotto is peasant food! They took rice, cooked it in broth and ate it. There's no mystery in the making, no revelation that is being guarded by an armed staff of chefs. In fact I can show you how to make it right now and the only thing you'll really need is extra arm power, because it does involve a lot of stirring.

Sauteed Spinach with Garlic: Eat your greens

This is a sure fire way to use up spinach greens and not have to choke them down. If you got the hang of roasting garlic bulbs, you can use the cloves in this recipe. Otherwise fresh garlic works just fine. By the way, this is INSANELY easy to do. Your biggest worry is burning the garlic or spilling the spinach.

What you'll need:

• frying pan
• tongs
• kitchen knife

Ingredients:

• a bag or two of spinach (depending on how many are eating)
• 3 to 4 cloves of garlic, sliced or chopped
• 1 to 2 tablespoons olive oil
• salt to taste

The Pasta Sauce That Made Me Famous: Or Should Have…..

You want it? You got it! This is my family recipe for damn good tomato sauce. Actually it’s more of a pizzaola sauce, but it’s still damn good. Ever go to a restaurant and order spaghetti and meatballs, only to be disappointed by the sauce, or the pasta, or everything? Well now you don’t have to suffer! I’ll admit, when I’m totally tired after a long day at work, I’ll pop open a jar of good sauce, but if you make this in advance and freeze it you’ll only be a few minutes of defrosting away from a great meal.

Homemade Salsa: SALSA!

Sure it’s easy to get a jar of salsa and a bag of chips and demolish the whole thing. We’ve all done that at some point. But what happens when you run out and it’s 2am and all you have are three tomatoes and an onion. Make your own! Lemmie tell ya, you make this and you’re eating the whole thing. And it’s healthy! Just be careful how many corn chips you eat with it.

Scrambled Eggs: It's What's for Breakfast

Would you believe that when I first met my husband he didn't know how to scramble and egg? Me neither. He knows a good deal about cooking, but this escaped him, mostly because he doesn't like eggs. It's not that hard and I have the video to prove it!

Quick Meal #3: The Mighty Grilled Cheese Sandwich

I know it may seem like a silly thing to teach people, but I've seen this one in action and it's not pretty. Let's get one thing straight. Slapping a slice of Kraft Singles on a piece of Wonder bread and putting it in the microwave for a minute and a half is fine if you're 8 years old and you can't use the stove. This is grilled cheese for the big boys and girls. Let's get started.

I Bought a Zucchini....Now What?

Congrats on your new veggie purchase! Trying new food is always a good thing. Now I'm gonna show you why to do with it.

Snacks: The French (Connection) Platter

Yeah, yeah, I know that was a stretch, but this snack is actually quite good. The French are known for good food and fine wines, but you don't have to live like a bohemian and break your bank to get the idea. The ingredients are simple, the set up is idiot proof, and I mean that. You'd have to staple the bread to the ceiling and microwave the fruit to get this wrong. Don't get any ideas!

The Sweet Spot #1: Chocolate Covered Strawberries

Ah yes, the icon of Valentine's Day. Listen people, I've been eating these since way before some yuppie mid 90's throw back thought, “Hey we can market this to people for Valentine's Day!” It all started in Callie's Candy Kitchen in Mountainhome Pennsylvania way back when I was a little itty-bitty pain in the neck and not the super duper trouble maker and wise ass you see today. This man puts chocolate on EVERYTHING! Strawberries, potato chips, cream cheese and before you go “Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, who puts chocolate on cream cheese?” think about what cheese cake, chocolate cheese cake at that, is made of. .......Thank you.

You can make these at anytime and you don't have to pay through the nose to get them. The most expensive item is the strawberries and as you know around V-Day the price goes through the roof. There are two methods to doing this: the dip and the drown. If you dip, only part of the berry gets coated with chocolate, leaving the tops plain. If you drown, the entire berry is rolled or submerged in chocolate, leaving you guessing which way was up. Both methods are sound, it just depends on what kind of look you want: presentable or shut up and eat. I like the latter but I will show you the former.

Sauteed Onions: Meat's Best Friend

You know there is a difference in degree of sauteed onions. Clarified, caramelized and incinerated. If you're the kind of person who likes their food burned beyond all recognition, then sod off, because we do real cooking here. I don't pander to the “put as much hot sauce on as you can to melt your lower intestine” crowd and I certainly won't tolerate any “I like my crap burned to an unidentifiable crisp” group.

Garlic: This Bulb by Any Other Name Still Stinks

And how. Cook up these babies and you'll be reeking for a few days, but damn it's delicious. This segment will teach you how to make roasted garlic. After it's roasted you can mash it up and spread it on toasted baguettes, chop it up into a salad or throw whole cloves onto cooked pasta. Just don't come to my house with that dragon breath of yours. Ew.

Pasta: Olive Garden Can Kiss My Ass

Alright people. Enough crimes have been committed in the name of pasta and it's time we ended this blood bath. I want you to repeat after me:

• Pasta is my friend.
• Pasta is my friend.
• Pasta should NEVER be cooked for more than EIGHT MINUTES!

If you like pasta that is so mushy it's almost back to its basic form, then you are a bad person and should just open a can of Chef Boy-ar-dee, you heathen. You will RESPECT the pasta! And thus follows my commandments:

1. Thou shall not over cook the pasta until it can be sucked through a straw.
2. Thou shall not snap the spaghetti/linguine/angel hair in half. This makes you a moron and Italians will LAUGH AT YOU.
3. Thou shall not put Velveeta on any pasta. It's not sacrilegious, it just has no flavor and thus no point it adding it.
4. Thou shall not oil thy boiling water unless you want your sauce to slide right off the spaghetti.
5. And the most important: Thou shall NOT CALL IT NOODLES! That's Chinese food you arrogant twit and if you want Chinese, than make dumplings or lo mien but when you're in MY damn kitchen you'll call it PASTA and LIKE it!
   

Now on to the instructions.


Step 1: Choose your pasta.
Very important! If you use dry pasta or fresh pasta there is a big difference in timing. Fresh pasta, which you can identify as not being in a box on the supermarket shelf, but lovingly shaped, surrounded by semolina and handed to you in a white box by a little old lady, needs only 3 - 5 minutes to be done, sometimes less. Dry pasta takes no more than 8 minutes from a rolling boil. Why only 8 minutes when the box says 10? Because after you dump it into a colander into the sink, it doesn't magically become room temperature. It needs to cool down and while it's venting heat it's still cooking, albeit much more slowly. This part of the tour we'll deal with dry pasta since that's what most people handle.

Step 2: Choose your shape.
8 minutes is the default for anything that looks like spaghetti. Pastas have fancy names and shapes but guess what, regardless of what my husband thinks, it all tastes the same. However, the textures are different and what may work well with a fettuccine sauce, may not mesh too well with a primavera setting. Rigatoni, Ziti, and any other tube shaped pasta may take more or less time than 8 minutes. Ravioli and those little pastas like Farfalle (bow ties) or the elbows, take less time because they are smaller. Figure out what you want and lets go.

Step 3: The Rolling Boil
See aren't you glad I taught you how to boil water first? It makes things so much easier. If you skipped that part of the lesson then go back and read it instead of faffing about. I don't repeat myself, not even for my loved ones, and I'm not starting now. After you get your water to a rolling boil add your pasta, without breaking it, and give it a bit of a stir. You'll see it soften up pretty quickly. If the water gets to frothy and starts to threaten to boil over, turn the heat down a bit but make sure you have enough of a hard boil to get the job done.
And for the love of god, time the pasta. You don't want to go to all this trouble to get cat food.

Step 4: No Drain, No Pain?
Ok, that was bad. Don't worry I got a sound thrashing from hubby and brother dear for that one. I hope common sense told you that you should really have a colander (bowl with holes in it) to drain this bad boy into. No? Well you know now. If you don't have one then slowly pour out the water into the sink. Try not to tip the pasta into the sink, unless you just cleaned it (WITH BLEACH!) and don't mind it being in there. Did I mention the sink should be clean AND empty? .....
Moving on.

Step 5: Top Me Off – The Sauce and You
Wine goes in a glass next to the plate of pasta (optional). On the pasta you can pretty much put anything. I'll have a session on tomato sauce later and link it back here. Sometimes when I'm lazy or just damn tired I'll grab a jar of sauce and pop it open. It's good enough and if you experiment with different kinds of jarred sauces you'll find a set that works for you.

CAUTION WARNING PLEASE READ THIS NEXT SEGMENT IF YOU WANT TO LIVE

This is a tale of woe and 'oh for the love of god', because I don't want anyone to go through what I did. I got a jar of fettuccine sauce. The top popped when I opened it so I thought nothing of it, but when it was heated it didn't look right. Very clumpy. Thinking nothing of it, I ate it....the whole jar. For three days I was puking up my guts and wishing I had been strangled by my own umbilical chord. READ DATES OF JARRED ANYTHING! Unless it's cured in salt or blessed by a rabbi (this it not me being cute – I'm serious) check the dates and throw it out if it has lingered too long, open or closed. Having your guts turn inside out and do the hokey-pokey is not worth the 3 bucks you wasted on chucking the toxic swill.

Soft or Hard: The Incredible (most of the time) Edible Egg

This is a quick and easy way to have a low fat breakfast or a quick snack. Or if you're like me, this is how you start Easter Eggs.

A friend of mine once told me she boiled two eggs for 16 minutes because she wasn't sure if they were cooked all the way through. Those eggs could survive a nuclear war! Eggs are not fickle creatures. They only need a few minutes at a rolling boil to be happy.