Quesadillas and Guacamole: without that stupid machine

I know some of you have seen those quesadilla makers. I know you felt compelled to buy one. I also know that this would be a stupid waste of money. Seriously guys, if you want to throw your money away, you might as well make the check out to me right now. Thanks to my new phone I also take all major credit cards, except Discover. Listen people, you DON'T need to get every gadget on "Buy Me Now" TV ok. I can show you how to do this quick and easy and without the extra crap.

Egg Preparation Series: Poached Eggs

I know, "long time comin'." Yeah shut up.

For all you 'peeps' (teehee) who can't poach an egg, here you go! Video proof that it can be done without a million bits of equipment or a piece of plastic you have to nuke.

Egg Preparation Series: Scrambled Eggs

When I first started cooking, scrambled eggs was my most used recipe. It didn't become edible until after a few tries. Hey I was 12 years old, give me a break. Scrambled eggs might be easy to make, but they are just a easy to mess up. Most common fails are too runny, too dry or flavorless. Below I'll give you the written recipe and method. I'll also link to the video so that you can see how they're made.

The Salad Bar #2: Salmon and Spinach Salad

This recipe is so simple that my cat can make it. Or make off with the fish anyway. You wouldn't believe the amount of yowling I get from these two whenever I bring a slice of fish in the house. Moving on... You won't need much for this dish and if you have a microwave it's even easier.

The Salad Bar #1: Real Chicken Salad

I have a very distinct idea about what a salad consists of and it doesn’t include mayonnaise. When I hear the word salad I think tomatoes, fresh greens, carrots, onions, herbs, feta cheese and olives. One of the worst insults to a chef is slopping a bucket of ranch dressing on a beautifully crafted salad. One of the worst insults to a diner is presenting them with a browned, wilted wedge of iceberg lettuce, one thick slab of under ripe, tasteless tomato and shredded carrot. Ick. No wonder little Jimmy won’t eat his veggies. I wouldn’t either! Now I’m gonna show you how it’s done.

Scrambled Eggs: It's What's for Breakfast

Would you believe that when I first met my husband he didn't know how to scramble and egg? Me neither. He knows a good deal about cooking, but this escaped him, mostly because he doesn't like eggs. It's not that hard and I have the video to prove it!

Quick Meal #3: The Mighty Grilled Cheese Sandwich

I know it may seem like a silly thing to teach people, but I've seen this one in action and it's not pretty. Let's get one thing straight. Slapping a slice of Kraft Singles on a piece of Wonder bread and putting it in the microwave for a minute and a half is fine if you're 8 years old and you can't use the stove. This is grilled cheese for the big boys and girls. Let's get started.

The Cold Cut Platter: When it's too hot to cook

We've had 90 degree days for a while and it's just too damn hot to cook. This is what you do when the cat is sticking to linoleum and the mercury threatens to blow. Go to the supermarket and get a bunch of cold cuts and some salad veggies.

Pasta with Shrimp: It's easier than it sounds

Ever wonder how some people can just go through the fridge and take whatever they find and make a great meal out of it? They'll grab leftover tuna, mustard and an old shoe and make a dish Martha Stewart would envy. Yeah I don't either, I just plot their death, however this recipe will show up those snot nosed brats. It could be classified as a quick meal but my standards for QM's involve only one item or less getting stove cooked. On with the show...

Snacks: The French (Connection) Platter

Yeah, yeah, I know that was a stretch, but this snack is actually quite good. The French are known for good food and fine wines, but you don't have to live like a bohemian and break your bank to get the idea. The ingredients are simple, the set up is idiot proof, and I mean that. You'd have to staple the bread to the ceiling and microwave the fruit to get this wrong. Don't get any ideas!

Quick Meal #2: BLT – Better Lunch This Time

The BLT. Or as I call it, the forgotten sandwich. Why is it overlooked except for diners? Because in order to have a BLT you need to cook the bacon and that takes a little time. If you're the type to use the pre-cooked heat 'n' serve 'bacon', you better get the hell off my blog before I chase you across Manhattan with a skillet. I can do that now, I've been working out. I'm trying to teach you how to feed yourself food, hopefully with flavor. If you want to choke down some processed toxic swill, go to kraft.com and wait for death.

Buy a slab of bacon. Waste the 4 bucks. Consider it a 'treat' for being so eager to learn how to cook. The rest of this entry will teach you how to cook bacon and make it a sandwich. I'll also be teaching you how to tell fresh food from tragedy.

Quick Meal #1: Steak & Bake

This is a favorite at my house. Mostly because it's so easy to do and you can substitute steak for chicken breast or a slice of fish if you want to switch it up.

Pasta: Olive Garden Can Kiss My Ass

Alright people. Enough crimes have been committed in the name of pasta and it's time we ended this blood bath. I want you to repeat after me:

• Pasta is my friend.
• Pasta is my friend.
• Pasta should NEVER be cooked for more than EIGHT MINUTES!

If you like pasta that is so mushy it's almost back to its basic form, then you are a bad person and should just open a can of Chef Boy-ar-dee, you heathen. You will RESPECT the pasta! And thus follows my commandments:

1. Thou shall not over cook the pasta until it can be sucked through a straw.
2. Thou shall not snap the spaghetti/linguine/angel hair in half. This makes you a moron and Italians will LAUGH AT YOU.
3. Thou shall not put Velveeta on any pasta. It's not sacrilegious, it just has no flavor and thus no point it adding it.
4. Thou shall not oil thy boiling water unless you want your sauce to slide right off the spaghetti.
5. And the most important: Thou shall NOT CALL IT NOODLES! That's Chinese food you arrogant twit and if you want Chinese, than make dumplings or lo mien but when you're in MY damn kitchen you'll call it PASTA and LIKE it!
   

Now on to the instructions.


Step 1: Choose your pasta.
Very important! If you use dry pasta or fresh pasta there is a big difference in timing. Fresh pasta, which you can identify as not being in a box on the supermarket shelf, but lovingly shaped, surrounded by semolina and handed to you in a white box by a little old lady, needs only 3 - 5 minutes to be done, sometimes less. Dry pasta takes no more than 8 minutes from a rolling boil. Why only 8 minutes when the box says 10? Because after you dump it into a colander into the sink, it doesn't magically become room temperature. It needs to cool down and while it's venting heat it's still cooking, albeit much more slowly. This part of the tour we'll deal with dry pasta since that's what most people handle.

Step 2: Choose your shape.
8 minutes is the default for anything that looks like spaghetti. Pastas have fancy names and shapes but guess what, regardless of what my husband thinks, it all tastes the same. However, the textures are different and what may work well with a fettuccine sauce, may not mesh too well with a primavera setting. Rigatoni, Ziti, and any other tube shaped pasta may take more or less time than 8 minutes. Ravioli and those little pastas like Farfalle (bow ties) or the elbows, take less time because they are smaller. Figure out what you want and lets go.

Step 3: The Rolling Boil
See aren't you glad I taught you how to boil water first? It makes things so much easier. If you skipped that part of the lesson then go back and read it instead of faffing about. I don't repeat myself, not even for my loved ones, and I'm not starting now. After you get your water to a rolling boil add your pasta, without breaking it, and give it a bit of a stir. You'll see it soften up pretty quickly. If the water gets to frothy and starts to threaten to boil over, turn the heat down a bit but make sure you have enough of a hard boil to get the job done.
And for the love of god, time the pasta. You don't want to go to all this trouble to get cat food.

Step 4: No Drain, No Pain?
Ok, that was bad. Don't worry I got a sound thrashing from hubby and brother dear for that one. I hope common sense told you that you should really have a colander (bowl with holes in it) to drain this bad boy into. No? Well you know now. If you don't have one then slowly pour out the water into the sink. Try not to tip the pasta into the sink, unless you just cleaned it (WITH BLEACH!) and don't mind it being in there. Did I mention the sink should be clean AND empty? .....
Moving on.

Step 5: Top Me Off – The Sauce and You
Wine goes in a glass next to the plate of pasta (optional). On the pasta you can pretty much put anything. I'll have a session on tomato sauce later and link it back here. Sometimes when I'm lazy or just damn tired I'll grab a jar of sauce and pop it open. It's good enough and if you experiment with different kinds of jarred sauces you'll find a set that works for you.

CAUTION WARNING PLEASE READ THIS NEXT SEGMENT IF YOU WANT TO LIVE

This is a tale of woe and 'oh for the love of god', because I don't want anyone to go through what I did. I got a jar of fettuccine sauce. The top popped when I opened it so I thought nothing of it, but when it was heated it didn't look right. Very clumpy. Thinking nothing of it, I ate it....the whole jar. For three days I was puking up my guts and wishing I had been strangled by my own umbilical chord. READ DATES OF JARRED ANYTHING! Unless it's cured in salt or blessed by a rabbi (this it not me being cute – I'm serious) check the dates and throw it out if it has lingered too long, open or closed. Having your guts turn inside out and do the hokey-pokey is not worth the 3 bucks you wasted on chucking the toxic swill.

Soft or Hard: The Incredible (most of the time) Edible Egg

This is a quick and easy way to have a low fat breakfast or a quick snack. Or if you're like me, this is how you start Easter Eggs.

A friend of mine once told me she boiled two eggs for 16 minutes because she wasn't sure if they were cooked all the way through. Those eggs could survive a nuclear war! Eggs are not fickle creatures. They only need a few minutes at a rolling boil to be happy.